Why is Romance so Douchey?

I’ve been thinking about Romance with a capital R for a while now. Like, a long while. Like going back to 1990 when I acquired my first boyfriend. And the conclusion I have come to is this: most of what we code as “Romantic” is uniformly douchey.

There have been some pop culture moments that have driven this home for me: Brenda and Dylan on Beverly Hills 90210, Titanic, Twilight, among others. The most recent moment was a discussion on the radio about “guy bands” and “chick bands.”

The consensus in the room was that Matchbox 20 is a chick band. Ok, fine. The song that was chosen to play next—I can only assume given its timing that it was chosen to epitomize the “chick bandness” of Matchbox 20—was “Bright Lights”.

I’m fairly neutral about Matchbox 20. I don’t hate them. I don’t love them. My favorite Matchbox 20 song is actually a Santana song with lead vocal done by Rob Thomas. Whatever. But I hate, with a flaming passion, the song “Bright Lights”. This is a song that, as near as I can tell, is universally considered Romantic. Here are the lyrics for your consideration:

She got out of town
On a railway New York bound
Took all except my name
Another alien on Broadway
There's some things in this world
You just can't change
Somethings you can't see
Until it gets too late

Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against out in this world
Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something
That's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around
And come on home

I got a hole in me now
yeah,I got a scar I can talk about
She keeps a picture of me
In her apartment in the city
Some things in this world
Man, they don't make sense
Some things you don't need
Until they leave you
And they're things that you miss

Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against out in this world
Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something
That's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around
And come on home

Let that city take you in, come on home
Let that city spit you out, come on home
Let that city take you down, yeah
God's sake turn around

Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against in this world
Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something
That's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around
And come on home

Come on home
Baby, baby, baby
Come on home
Yeah, come on home
Yeah, come on home

So what we have here is a male narrator whose female love interest has refused to marry him (“took all except my name”) and has moved to New York City to pursue some dream, possibly show business (“another alien on Broadway”). He tells her that he needs her and that if it doesn’t work out she should come back home to him. Ok, fine.

Except. This song reads like every conversation I had with every boyfriend who was threatened by my ambition. It is full of implications that she can’t possibly succeed, a subtle undermining of her confidence in her abilities. It is most obvious in the bridge:

Let that city take you in, come on home
Let that city spit you out, come on home
Let that city take you down, yeah
God's sake turn around

And also shows up in the second part of the chorus:

Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something
That's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around
And come on home

I’ve heard this explained as just “well, most people who move to NYC to be in show business really DON’T succeed, and he just doesn’t want her to be disappointed.” I call bs. I think the crux of the song is actually the first part of the chorus:

Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against in this world

It’s all about him. He doesn’t want her to leave because he’s afraid that he’s not good enough. As far as he’s concerned, her role is to support him in his fight against the big, bad world. Is there an ambitious woman who hasn’t heard this? “Sure honey, you go try to be more than you are. Don’t worry, when you fall on your face, I’ll take you back.” Douchey.

As near as I can tell, a fair bit of heterosexual Romance is set up to keep women less than, to benefit the male partner by making her look like a bitch if she isn’t properly grateful. Consider:

· Surprise marriage proposals in very public places. Unless she has 1) already said she wants to marry you and 2) indicated that she likes very public displays like this, then this is nothing more than a setup to pressure her into saying yes to you. If she says anything other than an ecstatic “Of course!” then she looks like a huge bitch in front of large numbers of people. Douchey.

· Very public apologies for private transgressions. This really could be utilized by either party, but you see it more when men are apologizing. I'm not sure why. If she doesn’t accept your apology, she looks like a huge bitch in front of large numbers of people. Douchey.

· Attempting to restrict her movements out of “concern” for her safety or feelings. Women are socialized to be fearful. We are also socialized to ignore our own “creepy” radar in the interest of being nice to strangers. When you try to tell her not to do things or go places because you don’t think it’s “safe”, what you’re really doing is attempting to control her and substitute your judgement for her own. Douchey.

· Approaching random attractive women with romantic or sexual overtures. At best, you think you are paying her the compliment of saying “hey, I want to have sex with you.” Because we all know that random strangers wanting to have sex with us is the highest compliment we can be paid. Douchey.

At worst, you are putting her in a situation where you benefit from her cultural training to be nice to strangers, since odds are good that she’ll say something like “I have a boyfriend/husband” (code: I am owned by another dude-don’t horn in on his territory) or “I’m busy” which are both very easy to ignore if you are a dude who thinks he is entitled to a woman’s attention. If she responds more like I’ve started to do—“I’m not interested in you. Please leave me alone.”—she runs the risk of, say it with me now, looking like a huge bitch in front of large numbers of people. This can be a big disincentive to responding this way. Women are supposed to be polite, especially to men who are “just paying them a compliment.Douchey.

I prefer romance to Romance. To me, romance is someone being with you because they want to, not because you’ve manipulated them into it. It’s your partner scraping the ice off your windshield for you when they leave for work before you do. It’s the little considerations that say “I know you and I have considered who you are as an individual human being when choosing this gift or completing this task.” It is bothering to have a conversation with a person before you decide that they are the love of your life and owe you their attention. It is recognizing and supporting your partner’s potential as a human being and being recognized and supported in return.

You can keep your Romance. I’ll stick with romance. It’s less douchey.

Trust Me

Today, I turn 37. I have been able to drive for 21 years. I have been able to vote for 19. I have earned a bachelor’s degree and a law degree, both from one of the top universities in the country. I have spent the last 10 years as a married woman. I own a house, a car, and a cat.

So my question is this: When exactly will I have proven myself responsible enough to decide what is best for my body, my mind, and my family?

In Florida, a woman still legally able to obtain an abortion was effectively kidnapped by the state and her doctor and forced into hospitalized bedrest to prevent a miscarriage, despite the fact that she would lose her job and she was the only person available to care for her two (already born) toddlers. She ended up on the receiving end of a C-section to remove the dead fetus.

There are areas of this country where the only healthcare available is at a Catholic hospital. Female patients of these hospitals are often unable to obtain any sort of prescription contraception. The Catholic Church continues to fight states’ efforts to require their hospitals to dispense emergency contraception TO RAPE VICTIMS at the patient’s request.The views of the Catholic Church on abortion and contraception were given weight by Congress during the recent debate on the proposed health care reform bills, despite the supposed separation of Church and State in this country.

Pregnant women who don’t want to have their labor induced have to fight tooth and nail a medical industry that seems more interested in the convenience of the doctor than the safety and ease of the woman’s delivery. The same goes for women who want to give birth to a child vaginally after a C-section. And chances are good that the first C-section was unnecessary to begin with.

I have taken birth control pills for almost 20 years. I have known for the last five or so that I do not want to carry and give birth to children. I have not spoken to my doctor about the possibility of tubal ligation, because the standard answer for women under the age of 35 is that they may change their mind and regret it. I have a strong suspicion that what that actually means is “you may change your mind and sue me.” I wonder if I'm old enough at 37 to know my own mind.

My President has consistently gone on record saying that he thinks that whether I continue a pregnancy is a decision for me, my doctor, my family, and my minister. What if my “family” (does anyone think this means anything other than “husband”? Does the President think I’m going to go ask my brother if he thinks I should get an abortion?) is abusive and got me pregnant so I would be tied to him? What if I don’t have a minister? What if my doctor is at a Catholic hospital? When do I get to make that decision for myself, based on what’s best for me?

I am 37 years old. I have fought for reproduction rights my entire adult life. I believe that women, given the information they need, will make the right choices for themselves and their families. And if they don’t, it is not the government’s or their doctor’s, or their church’s or anyone else’s church’s job to protect them from regret.

Please. Trust Us.